Sneezled

Why do my eyes always close when I sneeze? I tried to keep them open once and almost fell overboard.
Signed Sneezled-in-the-Straits

Dear Sneezled,
As you know there are a nmber of sphincter (sa-fink-tur) muscles controlling that tube that is your big
mouth, directing all your food downwrd. When your body needs a sneeze, the sphincters assume you're
catching flies and prepare for food relay, putting the squeeze on the tonsils. The bolus (chewed flies)
touches your fovea centralius which in turn causes the purple optic-not the polka dot one-to juxtapose
the oblongata which causes the vitreous humor to multitask the aqueous humor and surround the pupil, 
thus jamming the lens, mimicking a swift poke in the eye. Presto! When you think about that, it's a wonder 
your eyes don't slam shut every time you fart. Really, think about that.
Signed Addled-on-Cortes