Oil your Nuts

I read somewhere that emu oil was good for the skin, so I bought a bottle and

lather myself up pretty good every night at bedtime. The trouble is, my whiskers

are getting sort of feathery, I swear to god my legs are growing longer, and I can

definitely run faster. I can hardly cut my toenails with regular clippers anymore 

and I'm getting worried. Do you think I'm using too much emu oil?

signed Elmore the Emu


Dear Elmore (if indeed that is your real name)


What are you worried about? First of all, you know perfectly well that any product

with a saponification value of 187 and a flashpoint of 140 C is bound to affect

something, right? and people have been using animal grease for any number of

purposes for any number of years successfully. If I were you, I'd go out and buy

more oils. Experiment. If you don't like the feathers, use bear grease (I'd advise

that only in wintermonths). Try cold liver oil or halibut oil if you prefer long distance

swimming. Pineapple oil might improve your drumming and hula moves: some

monkey oil will polish up your nuts: seagull oil could nicely hone your beach

combing & scavenging skills. By the way, how do you oil an emu anyway?

signed Addled-on-Cortes