Put on the Dog

Put on the Dog

Dear Addled:

I have recently gotten a small pup. Can you advise me on how to get this pup to do what I want, and

not be totally impossible?

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Dear Mom,

One of the first things ou must realize when you get a dog, is that you are the biggest obstacle in 

his/her life. Owners of young dogs have to learn very quickly to allow the dog to have it's own way all

of the time, unless of course, it is unwittingly in danger. (we who do not like dogs know this is most 

of the time, when in our vicinity) Do not attempt to share the bed or couch with a sleeping puppy or 

you will have a cranky companion on your hands. Do not disturb said puppy when it is watching a 

cartoon or talk show. Let the puppy eat in between meals but do lecture, in a gentle manner, on too 

many sweets or salty foods, such as your bag of potato chips or box of chocolates he found, tho' 

you were hiding them until he went to bed. Naughty, Naughty! Do not deceive your puppy! A 

disillusioned puppy is a danger to postmen (&) postwomen, in-laws and most young children, as 

well as all British shopkeepers. Remember that it can take years to acquire perfect timing in that 

most delicate of areas, potty training. Anal retentive dogs (whatever that means) are a vicious lot, 

dangerous to everybody before that international equalizer, stewed -prunes-in-the-morning. Last 

but not least, bathing: it may be necessary for you to get in and out of the tub several times before 

you will entice him in with you, but don't give up. As your puppy grows, don't allow skateboarding, 

roller blading, skiing, bowling, snorkling or bungee jumping without proper safety gear. Chasing 

raccoons up trees, digging up rotting compost or rolling in fish guts are normal puppy pursuits and 

don't require helmets. Don't encourage driving until you can no longer function behind the wheel -

then let the dog take over. This will likely require you to wear a helmut. A final warning: if, after a few

years with your dog, you aren't keen on his appearance, don't look in the mirror. enjoy your new 

family member. A happy canine has a happy owner. Usually.