Don't be fooled by a feline

Dear-Addled-on-Cortes
There's been mention of pups and dog care in general lately, but nothing about 
cats. Do you think this is fair?
Covered-in-Cat-Hair

Dear Cat Hair
You are absolutely correct in feeling slighted. I've been neglecting the subject of
cats and there are so many uses for a cat! One can serve them stewed, boiled, sauteed
with ginger and basil: stir-fried, deep-fried (after you batter them, that's always fun),
stuffed with onions and baby mice, baked in tomato sauce, wrapped in filo pastry, and,
my personal favourite -- kitty pot pied! to mention but a few. Once skinned, cat pelts 
can be effective as rugs, wall tapestries, toupees or footwarmers. A cured skin makes
a drum with an excellent voice ( too high pitched for my taste) and is easy and fun to
bead. Should you have a flair for taxidermy the cat can be arranged in a variety of
poses making it useful as a coat hanger, a hat rack, multiple toilet tissue dispenser, 
scarecrow for the pantry or as a handy object to hang your fishing gear on. Being of a
somewhat reactive nature cats make perfect lab assistants- experiments and all that. A
lobotomized cat is a good cat for a' that. You see, they even inspire poetry! Prose and
poetry, cats and art, cats and history, cat and fantasy, horror, suspense. Such a wide
range of uses. If you have questions on other animals, or recipes for, please, do let me
know.
Signed Addled-on-Cortes

Ducks Don't Drown

How come ducks don't drown when they dive down after fish, huh?
Signed Perplexed on Cortes

Dear Perplexed
Well, I'll tell you. In the first place, duck's nose holes are very small so they
can fly faster eh? Plus, the left wing lateral nostril segues neatly next to the
middle ciliated septum and drains into the lacriminimal nasapharnx which
juxtaposes the eustachian, commonly knows as a half pipe in the scouter
world. A scouter being, like, a bird. Then all this plugs up the minute the 
nostril senses doom. If it took too long to catch that fish, the duck would
indeed, be toast. And that would be another story.
Signed Addled-on-Cortes

Sneezled

Why do my eyes always close when I sneeze? I tried to keep them open once and almost fell overboard.
Signed Sneezled-in-the-Straits

Dear Sneezled,
As you know there are a nmber of sphincter (sa-fink-tur) muscles controlling that tube that is your big
mouth, directing all your food downwrd. When your body needs a sneeze, the sphincters assume you're
catching flies and prepare for food relay, putting the squeeze on the tonsils. The bolus (chewed flies)
touches your fovea centralius which in turn causes the purple optic-not the polka dot one-to juxtapose
the oblongata which causes the vitreous humor to multitask the aqueous humor and surround the pupil, 
thus jamming the lens, mimicking a swift poke in the eye. Presto! When you think about that, it's a wonder 
your eyes don't slam shut every time you fart. Really, think about that.
Signed Addled-on-Cortes

Oil your Nuts

I read somewhere that emu oil was good for the skin, so I bought a bottle and

lather myself up pretty good every night at bedtime. The trouble is, my whiskers

are getting sort of feathery, I swear to god my legs are growing longer, and I can

definitely run faster. I can hardly cut my toenails with regular clippers anymore 

and I'm getting worried. Do you think I'm using too much emu oil?

signed Elmore the Emu


Dear Elmore (if indeed that is your real name)


What are you worried about? First of all, you know perfectly well that any product

with a saponification value of 187 and a flashpoint of 140 C is bound to affect

something, right? and people have been using animal grease for any number of

purposes for any number of years successfully. If I were you, I'd go out and buy

more oils. Experiment. If you don't like the feathers, use bear grease (I'd advise

that only in wintermonths). Try cold liver oil or halibut oil if you prefer long distance

swimming. Pineapple oil might improve your drumming and hula moves: some

monkey oil will polish up your nuts: seagull oil could nicely hone your beach

combing & scavenging skills. By the way, how do you oil an emu anyway?

signed Addled-on-Cortes

Put on the Dog

Put on the Dog

Dear Addled:

I have recently gotten a small pup. Can you advise me on how to get this pup to do what I want, and

not be totally impossible?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Mom,

One of the first things ou must realize when you get a dog, is that you are the biggest obstacle in 

his/her life. Owners of young dogs have to learn very quickly to allow the dog to have it's own way all

of the time, unless of course, it is unwittingly in danger. (we who do not like dogs know this is most 

of the time, when in our vicinity) Do not attempt to share the bed or couch with a sleeping puppy or 

you will have a cranky companion on your hands. Do not disturb said puppy when it is watching a 

cartoon or talk show. Let the puppy eat in between meals but do lecture, in a gentle manner, on too 

many sweets or salty foods, such as your bag of potato chips or box of chocolates he found, tho' 

you were hiding them until he went to bed. Naughty, Naughty! Do not deceive your puppy! A 

disillusioned puppy is a danger to postmen (&) postwomen, in-laws and most young children, as 

well as all British shopkeepers. Remember that it can take years to acquire perfect timing in that 

most delicate of areas, potty training. Anal retentive dogs (whatever that means) are a vicious lot, 

dangerous to everybody before that international equalizer, stewed -prunes-in-the-morning. Last 

but not least, bathing: it may be necessary for you to get in and out of the tub several times before 

you will entice him in with you, but don't give up. As your puppy grows, don't allow skateboarding, 

roller blading, skiing, bowling, snorkling or bungee jumping without proper safety gear. Chasing 

raccoons up trees, digging up rotting compost or rolling in fish guts are normal puppy pursuits and 

don't require helmets. Don't encourage driving until you can no longer function behind the wheel -

then let the dog take over. This will likely require you to wear a helmut. A final warning: if, after a few

years with your dog, you aren't keen on his appearance, don't look in the mirror. enjoy your new 

family member. A happy canine has a happy owner. Usually.