Allergy Season

Dear-Addled-on-Cortes
     What with all the flowers and pollen flying up my nose lately my sinuses have been
affected in a negative fashion so I mentioned to my friend that I’ve been really plugged
up and he suggested some stuff called suppositories. I got some and shoved them up my
nose regularly like the directions said, but they melted real fast and ran out — some even
ran out my ear and my eyes and a bit from my bad elbow. my sinuses are still blocked to
the max but I hear better and my vision improved. The tendonitus isn’t bothering me either.
My question is this; should I stop using this treatment or get another opinion?
                                         Signed Plugged and Confused

Dear Blockhead
       Keep the suppositories for other times. Drink green tea and stay out of the garden. Any
garden. Find a better brand of buddy. Learn to play bridge, preferably on the computer; stop
stepping on spiders and buy a three foot iguana. You won’t have time to think of your nose
until next month and all the pollen will have gone to Quadra by then.
                                     Signed Addled-on-Cortes

Dear Addled-on - Cortes

    Is it true that it’s unhealthy to stand up while you’re use eating your meals? If so, why?
          Signed In-a-Rush

Dear Beanpole

     Absolutely true. Eating while standing up causes all liquids to fall instantly to the knees.
(hence, water on the knee) extremely unpleasant. All green vegetables just plunge right to
the left foot (bunions) and all carbohydrates to the right (plantar fasciitis)  All desserts and
some pastas get hung up in the elbows ( tendinitis man!) Meat is sucked directly into the brain
which can cause major power surge and you know what happens to appliances all over the
island when our hydro does that! When you ladle out your dinner, choose the appropriate cutlery, settle into a softly upholstered chair at a beautifully appointed table, then your brain has time to
direct cutting, grinding, mashing and sorting. Food is properly salivated, pepsinated, trypsinated
and emulsivated; the correct process of ingest, digest and outgest. Simple. Do your body a
favour...sit down to eat your food..just not on the toilet.
     Signed Addled-on-Cortes

Dear Addled-on-Cortes

    I’ve been on this island for months and I haven’t met a guy yet who wants to
make a commitment. What do you suggest?
      Signed Empty-Handed

Dear Empty Handed

Erma Bombeck once said that no woman should marry until all her children were
finished college, and I tend to agree. Any woman considering tying herself down
before the age of fifty should realize that with any permanent partnership here are
a few things of the pleasures to expect.

   More parents; lack of mobility; insanity; debt ( someone else’s) movie nights..at
   home; more Christmas cards to write; gardening; clogged plumbing; an average of
   7300  dinners to plan, cook, and later clean up, alone, unless one is ok using 14,600
   biodegradable paper plates ( I recommend Chinet).  Several children..some who are
   not even yours ; Insanity; And there’s more! There’s always more!

Think carefully..whoever it was that said marriage changes your life knew of what
they spoke.

    Addled-on-Cortes

Prawn Picker Dilemma

Dear Addled-on-Cortes

   I had a really nice Christmas and all, but I received a strange present and I don’t know 

what to do with it.  It came in a box that was labeled “ Attack those Abs!” Well, at first 

I thought it said  “Crabs” but no— it’s a peculiar contraption with spring and hooks 

and gears and a lot of heavy duty haul back line. Like I say, I don’t t know where to put it,

And I think  the whole idea was my exwife’s idea.

         Signed Perlexed Prawn-Picker

Dear Prawn Picker 

Put your thinking cap on man! Use your head! Is there anything you can use all those 

great parts for? Catapult from the woodshed? Chicken decapitator? Feline Nutterneuter? 

Maybe a sling shot aimed directly at your garbage can? ( be real careful with that one) 

A little something to slow down all that noisy ferry traffic past your driveway? On the 

other hand, perhaps prawns would be a lot easier to pick, had you abs. Carefully read 

the directions — maybe have your ex wife read them to you. If you can’t figure a good

sensible plan or get it assembled, throw it all in the wood stove.

                               Signed Addled-on Cortes

Don't be fooled by a feline

Dear-Addled-on-Cortes
There's been mention of pups and dog care in general lately, but nothing about 
cats. Do you think this is fair?
Covered-in-Cat-Hair

Dear Cat Hair
You are absolutely correct in feeling slighted. I've been neglecting the subject of
cats and there are so many uses for a cat! One can serve them stewed, boiled, sauteed
with ginger and basil: stir-fried, deep-fried (after you batter them, that's always fun),
stuffed with onions and baby mice, baked in tomato sauce, wrapped in filo pastry, and,
my personal favourite -- kitty pot pied! to mention but a few. Once skinned, cat pelts 
can be effective as rugs, wall tapestries, toupees or footwarmers. A cured skin makes
a drum with an excellent voice ( too high pitched for my taste) and is easy and fun to
bead. Should you have a flair for taxidermy the cat can be arranged in a variety of
poses making it useful as a coat hanger, a hat rack, multiple toilet tissue dispenser, 
scarecrow for the pantry or as a handy object to hang your fishing gear on. Being of a
somewhat reactive nature cats make perfect lab assistants- experiments and all that. A
lobotomized cat is a good cat for a' that. You see, they even inspire poetry! Prose and
poetry, cats and art, cats and history, cat and fantasy, horror, suspense. Such a wide
range of uses. If you have questions on other animals, or recipes for, please, do let me
know.
Signed Addled-on-Cortes

Ducks Don't Drown

How come ducks don't drown when they dive down after fish, huh?
Signed Perplexed on Cortes

Dear Perplexed
Well, I'll tell you. In the first place, duck's nose holes are very small so they
can fly faster eh? Plus, the left wing lateral nostril segues neatly next to the
middle ciliated septum and drains into the lacriminimal nasapharnx which
juxtaposes the eustachian, commonly knows as a half pipe in the scouter
world. A scouter being, like, a bird. Then all this plugs up the minute the 
nostril senses doom. If it took too long to catch that fish, the duck would
indeed, be toast. And that would be another story.
Signed Addled-on-Cortes

Sneezled

Why do my eyes always close when I sneeze? I tried to keep them open once and almost fell overboard.
Signed Sneezled-in-the-Straits

Dear Sneezled,
As you know there are a nmber of sphincter (sa-fink-tur) muscles controlling that tube that is your big
mouth, directing all your food downwrd. When your body needs a sneeze, the sphincters assume you're
catching flies and prepare for food relay, putting the squeeze on the tonsils. The bolus (chewed flies)
touches your fovea centralius which in turn causes the purple optic-not the polka dot one-to juxtapose
the oblongata which causes the vitreous humor to multitask the aqueous humor and surround the pupil, 
thus jamming the lens, mimicking a swift poke in the eye. Presto! When you think about that, it's a wonder 
your eyes don't slam shut every time you fart. Really, think about that.
Signed Addled-on-Cortes